March 9th, 2020

Two weeks later: the day of the results appointment.

Since results are only given in person, I was trekking back to P-town. I thought, because this would be a quick conversation, that my wait would be shorter. I waited an hour and 40 minutes for what would be 10 minutes with the doctor. The last 40 minutes were in the patient room, but thankfully I was in clothes and therefore somewhat warm.

I still did not have a voice, even though my non-work activities consisted of sleeping/resting, not speaking, and downing gallons of Yogi lemon-ginger tea with liters of honey. I was tired; my throat was dry.

Dr. Miracle came in and showed me the lab reports, drew diagrams on a fancy screen, and spoke. I was trying to take everything in without having anything to write with (writing is how I remember; I usually don't need to read it later). I had follicles, lots and lots of follicles that even I can see with the advanced imaging available today.

The biggest thing I remember on the lab report was a number: 2. I had two eggs. Were these eggs just sitting at the top of my tubes for years? I had eggs?! I HAD EGGS this entire time?!?!?!

The rest: my hormonal levels were fine (surprising; I'm usually high testosterone and low estrogen). All thyroid issues were ruled out, as were Hashimoto's, Fragile X, and all auto-immune diseases I was tested for 10 years ago and now. Although thyroid conditions have never appeared in my bloodwork, many of my family in the field of medicine have speculated that was precisely the issue.

That was not the issue or answer (at least not today). Today, Dr. Miracle told me something I'd never heard about or even considered: My brain was either not sending signals to my ovaries, or my ovaries were not accepting the direction from my brain.

In more words (trying to med-splain this): I had decent levels of follicle stimulating hormones, but either a) my brain was not releasing FSH and putting the monthly process in motion, or b) my brain was releasing FSH to my ovaries and they were not taking direction from my brain. Bottom line: Two of my organs clearly do not get along.

Dr. Miracle's theory was that my brain was not releasing FSH/commanding my ovaries. Now, we needed to find out why. There are still some things that doctors cannot explain, but they know exponentially more than they did in 2015, thanks to advancements in technology.

My situation now required more specialized work (not a surprise) and I felt I'd made some progress. My doctor referred me to two fertility specialist clinics; they had the resources to do more extensive research. Dr. M also said to me, on a conversational level, that even if I don't believe in God or have any spirituality (which I do), that if I want babies, they will come to me. I had felt that (or knew that?) somehow, but to hear those words from someone who knows nothing about my life except medically/reproductively was quite moving.

I left her office, exhausted. (I may have slept until work the next day.) But one thing rang throughout my conscious and unconscious brain: "You have two eggs."